Finished reading "Forever Lily"

I actually finished a book this time. Perhaps it was because of what I am going through in my life right now that completely related to the subject of the book, and perhaps because I challenged myself to finish a book! Forever Lily was a story about a woman that accompanied her friend to China to adopt a chinese baby. Only to have the friend at the end to be the one who keeps and adopts the baby, who is named only until the end of the book, as Lily. The author describes the entire 6 or 7 day trip to China. It was literally a roller coaster for her as her friend decides to change her mind about giving her the baby after she had already had a blessing from her husband to accept this baby. In the end, and through a series of dreams, visions and symbolic incidents, she gets to keep Lily and detach herself from this woman who keeps changing her mind about keeping the baby, as if it were a pair of shoes! I loved reading the book (which took me 3 days) and related to wanting to adopt and worrying about the process. Edgar and I will be married for 12 years this March 27th ,and we have not been able to conceive. I have a condition called PCOS which prevents any normalcy in my periods or ovulation. It has been hard accepting this, since, by now, we should probably have four or five kids! Nevertheless, I know and keep praying to God to send us a child. I know that He is preparing someone very special for us. I think that me picking up this book randomly at the 99 cents store was no accident. That book was waiting for me to pick it up. I read the back cover and immediately decided that it would come with me. Last night, as we left church, we came to a stop sign and crossing the street was a pregnant woman and her husband. I sort of chuckled and thought about the book and my destiny to be a mother. I was also going through some emotion because Edgar's body language in church is so so negative. He slouches, and pretends to rest his head on my shoulder (it agitates me!) Then, I started crying. I was crying because every time I see a pregnant woman, I feel sudden happiness for her (as if I was the one who was pregnant) and I also feel a bit of jealousy. I almost want to analyze them and search for the answer in getting pregnant. What am I doing differently? Then I think about the Lord, and how He has a plan for each one of us. How only He knows when and how. And I accept that and respect that and immediately ask for forgiveness for the part of me that feels jealous. It's completely wrong, I know. I also think, what if I had another husband? Would my situation be different, better? I think about how much of a great husband Edgar is, so understanding and loving...and had he been with me only for a child, he would have left me a long time ago. As Edgar notices my crying he calms me down as only he knows how. I begin to think of how selfish I am, as we just found out that his dad might have cancer. It's always something with our families. And surprisingly, when Edgar heard the news, he was very worried. He called his family in LA and Mexico. I started thinking that I was not going to shop for fun for a while because we might have to send money for his dad very soon. The sad thing is, Edgar has a little sister. A sister who was born outside the marriage many years after his mom died. The little girl must be about one year old. The mother is from Oaxaca and lives with Edgar's dad. Edgar's relationship with this dad was severed when his mother died at age 13. His dad mistreated Edgar and scarred Edgar for life. Edgar says that he has not father, yet at the rise of these news, he is the first one concerned. His brother Pancho did not even want to get medical insurance for his dad, his beloved dad for which he is not talking to Edgar right now. So, Edgar is calling his sisters in LA to alert them about the possibility of the need to send money soon.

It's very interesting how we are tested. How the things we think will not affect us, do in a more profound way. I pray for patience and understanding in accepting my condition to not conceive. Will I ever?

Today, I pray that Edgar's dad gets better and that God grant me the strength to continue a spiritual path that leads to being a good servant to God. I pray for all of our families and for all of the children in the world who are abandoned that they find someone who cares for them and loves them as the author did for Lily.